I recently lost my phone.
I’m not sure how- since obviously it must be in my house somewhere- I haven’t left. My suspicion is that while I was tidying & making the bed, and tossed it with the blankets into the corner, my four-year-old found it and wandered off with it before draining the battery and losing interest and putting it down somewhere. I was given ample time to reorganize and straighten out the whole bedroom in quiet- any parent knows that is suspicious. However, it has been 2 days and the phone has not reappeared.
I have come to realize how much I rely on that little tool. I use it to take photos, to share picture of my garden or kids or crafts with my friends and family, I use it to track my distance when I go for walks and runs, and it holds important videos and photos that I wish I had right now as I’m studying for finals.
But I have also come to realize how addicted to it I am. I woke up this morning at 5:20 a.m. Usually, I would grab my phone and roll onto my side and just swipe the morning away. Cruise around on Instagram. Read the news. Look up something very interesting and yet not at all important or relevant to my daily life. This morning I thought, “Well… I could grab my laptop.” But that seemed like a ridiculous waste of time. (Not so ridiculous when the computer fits in your hand, I suppose.)
So I got up, laced my running shoes, and went outside for a little bit of exercise. Walk 5 min, run 5 min, walk 5 min and repeat for a total of 35 minutes of cardio. With the pandemic, I have gained 5 real honest pounds. Like, not water weight or bloating or anything that can be excused away. No, like: Sitting around all day on my ass pounds. I miss the gym, a lot.
Obviously, I can work out at home. And I have- I’ve done a few fitness blender videos, and some amazon prime videos- again using my PHONE for convenience. But with the gym I have childcare, which makes a huge difference. I take them for walks, along with my dog, but the kids are so slow the only one getting a workout is the dog. (Which is good- he needs to lose a few pounds.) The minutes that I have in the morning, before the children wake up, is actually ideal for exercise. And yet, day after day I roll over onto my side and scroll through Instagram.
And right here in my book of mirrors, after an 11 minute meditation about spirituality, I wrote, “I need to spend less time on Instagram and comparing myself to others.” The prompt was “If you were to focus more on growing spiritually, what changes would you need to make in your life?” (See all 7 prompts here) Altogether my changes looked like this:
- Take care of all the little lives I’m responsible for: plants, dog , kids, self
- Go back to A.A.
- Go back to my card-a-day practice
- Meditate
- Spend time with nature- hiking especially
- Start a compost to increase my connection with the Earth
- Journal, always
- Read! About other religions, about archetypes, personalities, spiritual progression, deities and rituals- all of it
- Exercise
This was the final prompt from the article I linked to earlier. Reflecting on the experience, I wrote, “I was surprised to find how much I connect the physical and the spiritual. Rather than something intangible, spiritual progress is generally quite visible and real. For example, the connection I have to the Earth, and my desire to be a stewardess of our planet- I think these naturally derived desires are the best way my spirituality can manifest. I think I need to focus less on consumerism- a hard goal. Especially when there are so many THINGS one wants.”
And that’s… that’s the thing- the world shapes us like clay to create perfect little consumers. And the phone is a huge part of it. The internet has truly changed advertising/marketing. And being a “witch” is a huge “in” thing at the moment. That means, it’s easy to capitalize on. I could literally spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on the witchy aesthetic- that was true even before it was so popular. But I have to remember that … it’s the opposite. Being a witch is the opposite.
It’s what I hate about Christmas! It’s the same thing. I hate Christmas because of consumerism, because the cheap plastic imitations will never capture your soul the way a winter wonderland actually does. Because I love the Earth, and every year people put so much garbage out into the world because they want to show someone they care.
You know, a lot of the time I do things that I regret or I find myself in a situation that is regrettable. Like for example, maybe my son has to dig through the dirty clothes to find pants. That happens. And when that happens I feel bad, obviously, because I should have taken care of that for him or at the very least nagged at him until he washed his own clothes (he’s nine, he can- he just forgets to actually turn on the machine and it’s easier if I do it) So I feel bad about something- maybe significant maybe not so much- and I ask myself, “WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS CECILIA!?” And I have an answer: “There are a lot of reasons, and I’m working on some of them.” And it’s a shitty answer, and it will never be perfect.
I’m not a perfect witch. I buy shea butter from Amazon, and am easily persuaded to buy new pens even though I already have a billion at home. I drink single use coffee pods! (Oh….the shame- on the last full moon I made a decision to stop buying/drinking single use pods so please don’t shame me! I’ve only been doing it for the last 2 years since we moved to my mother in law’s and nobody else drinks coffee! THERE’S NO EXCUSE BUT STILL TWO YEARS OMG I’M SORRY!) I drive a car to work. Sometimes, when I only need a couple of things, I still drive to the store even though it’s within walking distance. And yes, in the mornings, I have a tendency to just roll over and scroll through Instagram.
But at least I can see the things that I’m doing that I don’t like, and that’s kind of like the first step.
“There are a lot of reasons, and I’m working on some of them.” Did you notice, I don’t even list the reasons? I’m probably only aware of some of the reasons. I have a lot of shadow work to do, and I’m able to push it aside for “more important” things every single day: homework, work work, housework, playing with the kids, walking the dog, exercise, sleeping. It’s all easier and more important than getting honest with yourself. But the reasons that I am aware of, and that I’m able to handle at the moment, I am working on. And that’s important I guess.
I guess, ultimately like,
“I’m here, and I’m doing my best.”
And that’s enough.
Witch of the West 